A Career in the Military Closet: Looking Back

I used to have this fantasy.  I'm with the love of my life.  He's adoring me with his eyes, smiling as I stand in front of him in my service dress uniform.  Relax... my fantasy is about my Air Force retirement ceremony.  It continues with my family, friends and colleagues gathered to watch my military sunset.  A medal is pinned to my chest, plaques and gifts are presented, and the love of my life is asked to take the stage with me.  My commander acknowledges and thanks my partner for supporting my efforts through the years.  Hands are shaken, photos are taken, and everyone hugs.  I'm out of the closet and my ceremony recognizes those who helped me along the way.  Then, I wake up.

I retire from the Air Force later this year.  Looking back, it's been a wild ride watching a civil rights fight from inside the military closet.  I signed up years before Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) was a glimmer in Uncle Sam's eye.  When DADT became public law and military policy, I silently squealed with joy about our first baby step towards allowing gays to serve.  So naïve, I thought it was the natural progression towards open service for gays and lesbians.  That was 15 years ago.  One baby step and 12,000 discharges later, it doesn't seem like we're any closer to allowing homosexuals to openly serve their country.
 
That's not to say plenty of people haven't cared enough to fight DADT.  I've witnessed the herculean efforts of amazing groups like the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, Human Rights Campaign, The Palm Center at the University of California - Santa Barbara, and of course Servicemembers United.  Dozens have attempted to repeal DADT throughout the years.   They've all made cogent, rational arguments against DADT proving it's doing nothing but harm to the United States of America.  Unfortunately, DADT isn't a rational law or policy.  It's based in fear of the unknown and prejudice.  As philosopher Edmund Burke once said, "No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear."
 
The DADT journey has been frustrating, bemusing, and sometimes just exhausting to watch (especially from inside the military closet.)  We the People cut 12,000 military careers (and counting) short because of DADT.  We the People spent millions of tax dollars to recruit and train servicemembers, later discharging them for being homosexual.  We the People conducted witch-hunts, investigations, and courts martial against Americans who volunteered to serve their country (and die for it, if necessary).  We the People protested for and against DADT.  Sadly, the Westboro Baptist Church even stood outside of military funerals with placards screaming, "God Hates Fags".  This is what DADT has done to America.
 
At the same time, I watched active duty troops leave the closet to challenge DADT.  Talk about bravery in the face of adversity and danger.  I wasn't brave enough to come out in uniform.  I played by the rules and hoped the policy would fall.  I gave money to groups fighting the ban.  I contributed my experiences to those studying the ban.  I wrote essays from inside the military closet to share what it's like serving silently (hoping to change a few hearts and minds).  Ultimately, I think I never came out in uniform because I wanted to prove to myself, my family, and friends that homosexuals could serve for a career with honor - even under the unfair conditions of DADT.
 
While in the military closet, I witnessed several gay witch-hunts.  An especially heinous witch-hunt was at Ramstein Air Base, Germany.    It happened after DADT was enacted, but it was pure textbook pre-DADT tactics.  In all, it smoked out at least 13 homosexuals - including a commander of an intelligence squadron.  I wasn't involved, but had one of those caught uttered my name, my career would have been finished.  For what?  To what end?  Did Uncle Sam really think he could rid the military of every homosexual in uniform?

What probably saved my military career while serving under DADT was Randy Shilts' amazing book, Conduct Unbecoming: Gays and Lesbians in the U.S. Military.  When published in 1993, I had only been in the military for a few years.  I hadn't come out to any friends or family, yet.  I really didn't know the risks or the history of how gays had been treated in the U.S. military.  Then I started reading Shilts' book.  It was frightening and disheartening to read about how gays and lesbians had been treated by their own countrymen.  But, as I digested the book's lessons, I learned how to beat the military at its own game.  To this day, anytime I meet someone gay in the military, I always recommend the book.  It gave me the power to protect myself from Uncle Sam.  What a sad thing to have to learn while serving in uniform.

Thankfully, I had a career without investigations or allegations.  However, that doesn't mean I made it through completely unscathed.  I've had bouts of mental illness due to a compartmentalized life.  Think of it this way, imagine never talking about your personal life at work...ever.  Or if you do talk, it's vague or an outright lie; now do that for 20 plus years.  At around age 35, the questions start about never being married or having kids (like what parents do, but worse).  Then, coworkers wonder why they never see or hear about a girlfriend.  As retirement approaches, a knot builds in your stomach about being 'discovered'.  All this bleeds into your mental health; there is a price to pay for silence.  I was treated both on and off base while maintaining patiently confidentiality (I had incredibly sympathetic mental health professionals).  Without the gory details, I got lucky.  I made it through to the other end career in tact with a partner who loves me and friends and family who helped pulled me through.  But, I'm not retiring without scars; no one serves under DADT without scars.

Upon my retirement, DADT will still be the law of the land and I get to say, "I served a career in the closet.  I gutted it out."  Uncle Sam gives out plenty of medals and awards for military service.  Serving in silence under DADT doesn't get you any medals, but it's been the hardest thing I've done in my life (including service in Iraq).  I'm a little upset about the sacrifices I had to make because of DADT.  Believe me, there's enough sacrifice just to serve in the military.  Once I've retired and a few years have seasoned my memories, I'm sure I'll smile more about my time in the Air Force.  But I'd really like to know what it would have been like to serve openly - and ultimately, honestly. 

Looking forward, I'm anticipating joining my out and proud brothers and sisters to fight DADT with my big, loud mouth.  I will join gay vet groups, attend DADT protest rallies, and attest openly to my members of Congress that I'm a retired vet and served with honor as a gay American in uniform.  

The irony of DADT is that We the People ALLOW three little words, "I am gay", to weaken America.  We the People made this choice.  This wasn't the decision of one president, an activist judge, or a rogue general.  Our representatives in Washington made DADT a law, and We the People allow it to diminish our military, our values, and our country.  There are dozens of practical reasons to repeal DADT.  How about we consider the words of our founders?  Their words clearly demonstrate DADT goes against what makes America unique:  "All men are created equal" and "Liberty and justice for all".  Those words mean something don't they?  After all, American men and women - gay and straight - died for those words.

Postscript:  I'm in the planning stages of my retirement for later this year.  I will hold up my end of the DADT bargain and not forsake my military retirement.  It will, however, be my ceremony and I will have it my way.  My friends and family will be there, the love of my life will be there, and a close friend and lesbian will preside over the ceremony.   Unfortunately, colleagues who do not know me well will not be invited.  They'll have to remain ignorant of what's going on in the lives of gay servicemembers.  It's unfortunate, in my opinion.  As is a career in the military closet.

The United States Air Force Has Three Core Values: 
Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence in All We Do 
"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" violates the First Core Value, Takes Advantage of the Second, and Compromises the Third.

Service Before Self: Sacrifice from the Closet

Hello gentle readers. I've rewritten this about a dozen times ... this one's hard for me. It's difficult to restrain myself from dragging out my box of soap, jumping up on it, and ranting "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!" When I started blogging for Servicemembers United, I wanted to start by talking about the three Air Force core values and explain how Don't Ask, Don't Tell violates them all. The second core value is "Service Before Self". Our nation asks a lot of its servicemembers - straight and gay. Believe me, having 18 plus years (and counting) of active duty service, I know. But with gays and lesbians, their sacrifice goes above and beyond in ways most straight folks never think about. And that sacrifice is never recognized - don't ask me why.

For example, I recently attended the Air Force retirement of a dear friend. She served on active duty for over 20 years. She had tours in the Pacific, the States, and several tours to the Middle East to include war time Iraq. She's also a lesbian. My friend's ceremony had all the trappings of a traditional military retirement. She sat in the seat of honor on a stage in front of her peers, family, and friends - alone. She was presented a medal for outstanding service, a Presidential Certificate recognizing a career's worth of honorable service, and a U.S. flag folded in her honor closing out her time with the Air Force. Each item was solemnly presented to her as she was on the stage - alone.

For the uninitiated, a retirement of a straight servicemember includes their spouse and family. During the ceremony, a straight spouse is presented a certificate from the Air Force recognizing and thanking them for supporting the servicemember. Families are always recognized by the military. It's easy to see why. Long and frequent deployments to war zones, moves every few years to far away lands, and personal sacrifice creates significant stress to the servicemember and their family - gay and straight. But (surprise, surprise) in a gay servicemember's retirement ceremony, their family is not acknowledged. Okay, parents are sometimes included. That's not the family of which I speak. My friend's chosen family was watching from the audience, beaming with pride, and unacknowledged. No certificate for being left behind to keep the home fires burning when the servicemember deployed to a hostile land. No recognition for the years of serving in silence. My friend sat on the stage crying - alone. Service Before Self... indeed. Uh oh, here comes the soap box.

Truth be told, my friend's retirement epitomizes the shameful U.S. policy 'handling' gays in the military, flippantly named Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT). She served honorably and gave her all in service to her country - just like her straight comrades. However, DADT took away her voice, her integrity, and even benefits. It made it impossible for her to say thank you to her partner in front of her peers and the Air Force. Boiled down, DADT created two systems. One system with benefits and recognition for straights and another that leaves gays and lesbians wanting and unrecognized for their selfless service to their country. A gay servicemember must deny who they are (and their chosen family) to go off to war and defend their country. What could be more selfless? I wonder sometimes how many gay families have gone unacknowledged during funerals for casualties of Operations Enduring Freedom and Iraqi Freedom. Shamefully, the supreme sacrifice doesn't open the closet door, either. Now think about Service Before Self.

Please don't fall into the trap of simplifying DADT. Not saying "I am gay" is not the only challenge for homosexuals in the military. DADT is systematic hypocrisy and discrimination - payed for with our taxes. It's about giving straight servicemembers a completely different set of rules and benefits than their gay counterparts. Look at it this way, it took the Civil Rights Act of 1964 to desegregate schools and public places in America. But as we know, it didn't end racism. DADT was supposed to allow gays and lesbians to serve their country honorably. But, it didn't even do that. DADT isn't the answer to allowing gays to serve in the military. Allowing homosexuals to serve openly in the military is the answer. Yes, we get to sit at the front of the bus and drink from any water fountain we see. It's a crumb from Uncle Sam's plate, but only because we're mute and invisible. But DADT is so much more than that. Actually, we do the same and sometimes more than many of our straight coworkers to 'prove ourselves'. But when it comes time for the tangible and intangible rewards, we can only reap silence. The separate but equal rules of DADT are neither separate nor equal. Gays exist in a strange limbo that even death in combat can't commute to recognition by our country. It's always Service and never Self.

Okay... let's step back and remove the emotion a bit. Let's look at the bottom line... money and benefits. Free health care for straight families... none for a gay family. "With dependent rate" housing allowance equals "withOUT dependent rate" housing allowance for gay families. "Family Separation Pay" for servicemembers deployed to combat is a clear misnomer. It needs to be renamed "Straight Family Separation Pay" since gay servicemembers are denied this benefit (essentially taking a pay cut). Freely given "time off" to take care of an ill straight spouse is "Chargeable Leave" for gay servicemembers. When moving from base to base, household good weight allowances are higher for straight families than for unrecognized gay families. Spouse employment benefits, overseas sponsorship, immigration privileges for foreign-born spouses, on-base services access... the list goes on and on. Denial of all these benefits for homosexuals and their families is how DADT discriminates against homosexuals.

Believe me, I want to get off my soap box. I want to stop ranting about how unfair DADT is to the thousands who put on the uniform and identify as homosexuals - to include myself. I want to say I defend a country that includes ME in "We the people" and "Liberty and justice for all". But I can't say that. I'm not included. I keep forgetting... Service Before Self. C'mon, personal sacrifice for the greater good is one thing, but systematic discrimination is something else entirely. Why is that such a long road to travel?

Ultimately, I want to sit on a stage at my retirement ceremony one day and thank my chosen family in front of my peers. I want the Air Force to present my partner a certificate thanking him for his support of me and ultimately the nation. To say his sacrifice didn't go unnoticed. My partner supports me unconditionally knowing he will probably never be recognized publicly and thanked. He never raised his hand to support and defend the Constitution like I did. By supporting me, he does just that. I want America to recognize me, him... and all of us. Is that so much to ask?

The United States Air Force Has Three Core Values:

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence in All We Do

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" violates the First Core Value, Takes Advantage of the Second, and Compromises the Third.

Holiday Queer

In the immortal words of Herbie the Gay Elf - Happy Xmas and Merry Hanukkah Everybody! With the holidays here, I thought I'd give you a slice of life as a gay man in the Air Force - with a holiday twist. "So is it a holly jolly Christmas being gay in uniform?" If you want a cheery "ho-ho-ho" and a jolly, "It's swell!" ... Don't ask me.

As with America at large, a staple of life between Turkey Day and New Years are office holiday pot lucks and parties. Early in my career, I loved getting dressed up and attending parties with my coworkers. Young and fancy-free, friends and I would terrorize our office parties with our shenanigans. Of course, a tradition at holiday parties are lots of embarrassing games - many with sexual connotations. Normally in the military, there's a fund-raiser done weeks before the big office party. An auction is conducted to choose coworkers who must dress up as Santa or Mrs. Claus - irrespective of gender. Sometimes there's a sexy elf or reindeer costume to wear as well. Nothing says Christmas like seeing your commander or first sergeant in green tights and pointy ears or perhaps dressed up as Mrs. Claus - priceless. It's funny how the military loves a good drag show during the holidays.

As fun as they were, office parties became more and more uncomfortable to attend the longer I stayed in the military. Boiled down, holiday parties are opportunities for everyone to bring out their significant others - that is - heterosexual significant others. The longer I stayed in the military, the more probing questions came my way during these parties. Let it be known that 1) I'm single (at least in the eyes of Uncle Sam) and 2) I'm a senior NCO. Like naïve and bewildered parents, my coworkers always ask me - "When are you going to settle down and have kids? Who have you been dating? Anyone special in your life?" Gay friends might suggest I take a "beard" to these parties. For the uninitiated, a beard is someone of the opposite sex to you that covers your gayness. Why should I bring a beard? (It's not like I'm going to the Oscars :o) Besides, I've tried that once and the rumor mill after that fiasco wasn't worth it. In retrospect, bringing a gal pal from the base softball team probably wasn't the smartest decision :o)

Back to my point... Pardon me, but I thought there was a little policy in the military called "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"? Well I'm here to tell you... I'm repeatedly asked by coworkers to reveal the details of my love life. Hey believe me, no one more than I would love to dish about the sex I have with my man. But I made a deal with Uncle Sam that mum's the word. Seems Uncle Sam only upholds half of the bargain.

Look... I know people are just making innocent conversation. It's what people do in real life. They talk, they share what's going in their lives. It's normal. But as I wrote in my first post about Air Force core values, Integrity First, I really do hate to lie. But Don't Ask, Don't Tell demands that I do just that - lie daily - to keep my job. And that's why the policy is silly, flawed, and demoralizing.

By now, I'm sure Santa's up in the North Pole tidying up his list of naughty and nice boys and girls. I sure hope he thinks long and hard about Uncle Sam. Sure, he does a lot of nice things for America and the world. But by keeping Don't Ask, Don't Tell as a national policy, he deserves a big lump of coal in his stocking this year - and every year the policy stands. As for me, the next time Santa asks me, "What do you want for Christmas, little boy?" I'll answer in two words - My Integrity.

The United States Air Force Has Three Core Values:

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence in All We Do

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" violates the First Core Value, Takes Advantage of the Second, and Compromises the Third

Integrity First

Funny... I used to play a cruel game with my supervisors when I first joined the Air Force - so long ago. I'd ask them with wide, curious eyes where they were stationed in 1973 or 1984. With that setup, I'd knock 'em flat when I'd boastfully tell them that I was in preschool or junior high that year. They'd grimace or laugh then shake their heads. Here's the rub... now I supervise airmen who were in diapers the day I first slipped on my uniform in basic training. Like I said, it was a cruel game :o)

Well, once upon a time when I joined the Air Force, Uncle Sam asked and expected you to tell him truthfully if you were a homosexual - the intent was to keep gays and lesbians out. I lied when I enlisted - big deal. I knew I was gay... not that I had any practical experience in the matter :o) I didn't expect to stay in the service more than one enlistment anyway so who was I gonna hurt by a little lie? Get some college money and get out. That was my plan... so long ago.

Nowadays, folks aren't asked if they're gay to join up. Supposedly, that allows homosexuals to serve without having to lie. All it really does is subtracts one of the many lies made during a gay servicemember's career. "What'd you do this weekend? How's your love life? Who are you dating? You're a catch. Why aren't you married?" If you're gay and in the military, each of these fairly simple questions raises a real moral dilemma. Tell the truth or craft yet another white lie. An honest answer ends your career.

Integrity First is the number one core value of the Air Force. All service branches have a version of integrity written into their core values. Think about it. If servicemembers didn't have integrity in their words, actions, behaviors, and ultimately work ethic, what would we have as a national defense structure? In the military, everything is built on integrity. Remember, I'm talking about the military - not politicians.

Unfortunately, that little word - integrity - creates a lot of personal conflict. It does for me anyway. I'm basically a good guy - just ask my partner :o) To be clear, I'm not in conflict about honestly acknowledging I'm gay - far from it. Ask my family or anyone I call a friend and they all know I'm gay. It's the only reason I really come out to anyone - to be honest with them. The conflict for me is when I put on my uniform and go into my office. To preserve my spotless military record, I lie to Uncle Sam - and deal with it internally. It's there I'm dishonest about what I did on my summer vacation and who I love.

Eventually, white lies become gray and black. One lie is harmless I suppose... now imagine a lifetime of them. What does that build? A house of cards ready to fall. And they do fall - don't fool yourself and think a person can exist compartmentalizing a lifetime of lies and not have spill over. Who cares, who gets hurt? Maybe the servicemember? Maybe the mission? Maybe "We, the People..."?

I want to give you a glimpse of that story... my life of service as a gay man in the Air Force.

Funny... Congress and the President thought they provided a compromise when they enacted Don't Act, Don't Tell so long ago. They were right. They compromised a lot. Most of all, Integrity.

The United States Air Force Has Three Core Values:

Integrity First

Service Before Self

Excellence in All We Do

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" violates the First Core Value, Takes Advantage of the Second, and Compromises the Third