Holiday Queer

In the immortal words of Herbie the Gay Elf - Happy Xmas and Merry Hanukkah Everybody! With the holidays here, I thought I'd give you a slice of life as a gay man in the Air Force - with a holiday twist. "So is it a holly jolly Christmas being gay in uniform?" If you want a cheery "ho-ho-ho" and a jolly, "It's swell!" ... Don't ask me.

As with America at large, a staple of life between Turkey Day and New Years are office holiday pot lucks and parties. Early in my career, I loved getting dressed up and attending parties with my coworkers. Young and fancy-free, friends and I would terrorize our office parties with our shenanigans. Of course, a tradition at holiday parties are lots of embarrassing games - many with sexual connotations. Normally in the military, there's a fund-raiser done weeks before the big office party. An auction is conducted to choose coworkers who must dress up as Santa or Mrs. Claus - irrespective of gender. Sometimes there's a sexy elf or reindeer costume to wear as well. Nothing says Christmas like seeing your commander or first sergeant in green tights and pointy ears or perhaps dressed up as Mrs. Claus - priceless. It's funny how the military loves a good drag show during the holidays.

As fun as they were, office parties became more and more uncomfortable to attend the longer I stayed in the military. Boiled down, holiday parties are opportunities for everyone to bring out their significant others - that is - heterosexual significant others. The longer I stayed in the military, the more probing questions came my way during these parties. Let it be known that 1) I'm single (at least in the eyes of Uncle Sam) and 2) I'm a senior NCO. Like naïve and bewildered parents, my coworkers always ask me - "When are you going to settle down and have kids? Who have you been dating? Anyone special in your life?" Gay friends might suggest I take a "beard" to these parties. For the uninitiated, a beard is someone of the opposite sex to you that covers your gayness. Why should I bring a beard? (It's not like I'm going to the Oscars :o) Besides, I've tried that once and the rumor mill after that fiasco wasn't worth it. In retrospect, bringing a gal pal from the base softball team probably wasn't the smartest decision :o)

Back to my point... Pardon me, but I thought there was a little policy in the military called "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"? Well I'm here to tell you... I'm repeatedly asked by coworkers to reveal the details of my love life. Hey believe me, no one more than I would love to dish about the sex I have with my man. But I made a deal with Uncle Sam that mum's the word. Seems Uncle Sam only upholds half of the bargain.

Look... I know people are just making innocent conversation. It's what people do in real life. They talk, they share what's going in their lives. It's normal. But as I wrote in my first post about Air Force core values, Integrity First, I really do hate to lie. But Don't Ask, Don't Tell demands that I do just that - lie daily - to keep my job. And that's why the policy is silly, flawed, and demoralizing.

By now, I'm sure Santa's up in the North Pole tidying up his list of naughty and nice boys and girls. I sure hope he thinks long and hard about Uncle Sam. Sure, he does a lot of nice things for America and the world. But by keeping Don't Ask, Don't Tell as a national policy, he deserves a big lump of coal in his stocking this year - and every year the policy stands. As for me, the next time Santa asks me, "What do you want for Christmas, little boy?" I'll answer in two words - My Integrity.

The United States Air Force Has Three Core Values:

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence in All We Do

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" violates the First Core Value, Takes Advantage of the Second, and Compromises the Third

Integrity First

Funny... I used to play a cruel game with my supervisors when I first joined the Air Force - so long ago. I'd ask them with wide, curious eyes where they were stationed in 1973 or 1984. With that setup, I'd knock 'em flat when I'd boastfully tell them that I was in preschool or junior high that year. They'd grimace or laugh then shake their heads. Here's the rub... now I supervise airmen who were in diapers the day I first slipped on my uniform in basic training. Like I said, it was a cruel game :o)

Well, once upon a time when I joined the Air Force, Uncle Sam asked and expected you to tell him truthfully if you were a homosexual - the intent was to keep gays and lesbians out. I lied when I enlisted - big deal. I knew I was gay... not that I had any practical experience in the matter :o) I didn't expect to stay in the service more than one enlistment anyway so who was I gonna hurt by a little lie? Get some college money and get out. That was my plan... so long ago.

Nowadays, folks aren't asked if they're gay to join up. Supposedly, that allows homosexuals to serve without having to lie. All it really does is subtracts one of the many lies made during a gay servicemember's career. "What'd you do this weekend? How's your love life? Who are you dating? You're a catch. Why aren't you married?" If you're gay and in the military, each of these fairly simple questions raises a real moral dilemma. Tell the truth or craft yet another white lie. An honest answer ends your career.

Integrity First is the number one core value of the Air Force. All service branches have a version of integrity written into their core values. Think about it. If servicemembers didn't have integrity in their words, actions, behaviors, and ultimately work ethic, what would we have as a national defense structure? In the military, everything is built on integrity. Remember, I'm talking about the military - not politicians.

Unfortunately, that little word - integrity - creates a lot of personal conflict. It does for me anyway. I'm basically a good guy - just ask my partner :o) To be clear, I'm not in conflict about honestly acknowledging I'm gay - far from it. Ask my family or anyone I call a friend and they all know I'm gay. It's the only reason I really come out to anyone - to be honest with them. The conflict for me is when I put on my uniform and go into my office. To preserve my spotless military record, I lie to Uncle Sam - and deal with it internally. It's there I'm dishonest about what I did on my summer vacation and who I love.

Eventually, white lies become gray and black. One lie is harmless I suppose... now imagine a lifetime of them. What does that build? A house of cards ready to fall. And they do fall - don't fool yourself and think a person can exist compartmentalizing a lifetime of lies and not have spill over. Who cares, who gets hurt? Maybe the servicemember? Maybe the mission? Maybe "We, the People..."?

I want to give you a glimpse of that story... my life of service as a gay man in the Air Force.

Funny... Congress and the President thought they provided a compromise when they enacted Don't Act, Don't Tell so long ago. They were right. They compromised a lot. Most of all, Integrity.

The United States Air Force Has Three Core Values:

Integrity First

Service Before Self

Excellence in All We Do

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" violates the First Core Value, Takes Advantage of the Second, and Compromises the Third