Service Before Self: Sacrifice from the Closet

Hello gentle readers. I've rewritten this about a dozen times ... this one's hard for me. It's difficult to restrain myself from dragging out my box of soap, jumping up on it, and ranting "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!" When I started blogging for Servicemembers United, I wanted to start by talking about the three Air Force core values and explain how Don't Ask, Don't Tell violates them all. The second core value is "Service Before Self". Our nation asks a lot of its servicemembers - straight and gay. Believe me, having 18 plus years (and counting) of active duty service, I know. But with gays and lesbians, their sacrifice goes above and beyond in ways most straight folks never think about. And that sacrifice is never recognized - don't ask me why.

For example, I recently attended the Air Force retirement of a dear friend. She served on active duty for over 20 years. She had tours in the Pacific, the States, and several tours to the Middle East to include war time Iraq. She's also a lesbian. My friend's ceremony had all the trappings of a traditional military retirement. She sat in the seat of honor on a stage in front of her peers, family, and friends - alone. She was presented a medal for outstanding service, a Presidential Certificate recognizing a career's worth of honorable service, and a U.S. flag folded in her honor closing out her time with the Air Force. Each item was solemnly presented to her as she was on the stage - alone.

For the uninitiated, a retirement of a straight servicemember includes their spouse and family. During the ceremony, a straight spouse is presented a certificate from the Air Force recognizing and thanking them for supporting the servicemember. Families are always recognized by the military. It's easy to see why. Long and frequent deployments to war zones, moves every few years to far away lands, and personal sacrifice creates significant stress to the servicemember and their family - gay and straight. But (surprise, surprise) in a gay servicemember's retirement ceremony, their family is not acknowledged. Okay, parents are sometimes included. That's not the family of which I speak. My friend's chosen family was watching from the audience, beaming with pride, and unacknowledged. No certificate for being left behind to keep the home fires burning when the servicemember deployed to a hostile land. No recognition for the years of serving in silence. My friend sat on the stage crying - alone. Service Before Self... indeed. Uh oh, here comes the soap box.

Truth be told, my friend's retirement epitomizes the shameful U.S. policy 'handling' gays in the military, flippantly named Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT). She served honorably and gave her all in service to her country - just like her straight comrades. However, DADT took away her voice, her integrity, and even benefits. It made it impossible for her to say thank you to her partner in front of her peers and the Air Force. Boiled down, DADT created two systems. One system with benefits and recognition for straights and another that leaves gays and lesbians wanting and unrecognized for their selfless service to their country. A gay servicemember must deny who they are (and their chosen family) to go off to war and defend their country. What could be more selfless? I wonder sometimes how many gay families have gone unacknowledged during funerals for casualties of Operations Enduring Freedom and Iraqi Freedom. Shamefully, the supreme sacrifice doesn't open the closet door, either. Now think about Service Before Self.

Please don't fall into the trap of simplifying DADT. Not saying "I am gay" is not the only challenge for homosexuals in the military. DADT is systematic hypocrisy and discrimination - payed for with our taxes. It's about giving straight servicemembers a completely different set of rules and benefits than their gay counterparts. Look at it this way, it took the Civil Rights Act of 1964 to desegregate schools and public places in America. But as we know, it didn't end racism. DADT was supposed to allow gays and lesbians to serve their country honorably. But, it didn't even do that. DADT isn't the answer to allowing gays to serve in the military. Allowing homosexuals to serve openly in the military is the answer. Yes, we get to sit at the front of the bus and drink from any water fountain we see. It's a crumb from Uncle Sam's plate, but only because we're mute and invisible. But DADT is so much more than that. Actually, we do the same and sometimes more than many of our straight coworkers to 'prove ourselves'. But when it comes time for the tangible and intangible rewards, we can only reap silence. The separate but equal rules of DADT are neither separate nor equal. Gays exist in a strange limbo that even death in combat can't commute to recognition by our country. It's always Service and never Self.

Okay... let's step back and remove the emotion a bit. Let's look at the bottom line... money and benefits. Free health care for straight families... none for a gay family. "With dependent rate" housing allowance equals "withOUT dependent rate" housing allowance for gay families. "Family Separation Pay" for servicemembers deployed to combat is a clear misnomer. It needs to be renamed "Straight Family Separation Pay" since gay servicemembers are denied this benefit (essentially taking a pay cut). Freely given "time off" to take care of an ill straight spouse is "Chargeable Leave" for gay servicemembers. When moving from base to base, household good weight allowances are higher for straight families than for unrecognized gay families. Spouse employment benefits, overseas sponsorship, immigration privileges for foreign-born spouses, on-base services access... the list goes on and on. Denial of all these benefits for homosexuals and their families is how DADT discriminates against homosexuals.

Believe me, I want to get off my soap box. I want to stop ranting about how unfair DADT is to the thousands who put on the uniform and identify as homosexuals - to include myself. I want to say I defend a country that includes ME in "We the people" and "Liberty and justice for all". But I can't say that. I'm not included. I keep forgetting... Service Before Self. C'mon, personal sacrifice for the greater good is one thing, but systematic discrimination is something else entirely. Why is that such a long road to travel?

Ultimately, I want to sit on a stage at my retirement ceremony one day and thank my chosen family in front of my peers. I want the Air Force to present my partner a certificate thanking him for his support of me and ultimately the nation. To say his sacrifice didn't go unnoticed. My partner supports me unconditionally knowing he will probably never be recognized publicly and thanked. He never raised his hand to support and defend the Constitution like I did. By supporting me, he does just that. I want America to recognize me, him... and all of us. Is that so much to ask?

The United States Air Force Has Three Core Values:

Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence in All We Do

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" violates the First Core Value, Takes Advantage of the Second, and Compromises the Third.