Monday, March 30, 2009

A Career in the Military Closet: Looking Back

I used to have this fantasy.  I'm with the love of my life.  He's adoring me with his eyes, smiling as I stand in front of him in my service dress uniform.  Relax... my fantasy is about my Air Force retirement ceremony.  It continues with my family, friends and colleagues gathered to watch my military sunset.  A medal is pinned to my chest, plaques and gifts are presented, and the love of my life is asked to take the stage with me.  My commander acknowledges and thanks my partner for supporting my efforts through the years.  Hands are shaken, photos are taken, and everyone hugs.  I'm out of the closet and my ceremony recognizes those who helped me along the way.  Then, I wake up.

I retire from the Air Force later this year.  Looking back, it's been a wild ride watching a civil rights fight from inside the military closet.  I signed up years before Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) was a glimmer in Uncle Sam's eye.  When DADT became public law and military policy, I silently squealed with joy about our first baby step towards allowing gays to serve.  So naïve, I thought it was the natural progression towards open service for gays and lesbians.  That was 15 years ago.  One baby step and 12,000 discharges later, it doesn't seem like we're any closer to allowing homosexuals to openly serve their country.
 
That's not to say plenty of people haven't cared enough to fight DADT.  I've witnessed the herculean efforts of amazing groups like the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, Human Rights Campaign, The Palm Center at the University of California - Santa Barbara, and of course Servicemembers United.  Dozens have attempted to repeal DADT throughout the years.   They've all made cogent, rational arguments against DADT proving it's doing nothing but harm to the United States of America.  Unfortunately, DADT isn't a rational law or policy.  It's based in fear of the unknown and prejudice.  As philosopher Edmund Burke once said, "No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear."
 
The DADT journey has been frustrating, bemusing, and sometimes just exhausting to watch (especially from inside the military closet.)  We the People cut 12,000 military careers (and counting) short because of DADT.  We the People spent millions of tax dollars to recruit and train servicemembers, later discharging them for being homosexual.  We the People conducted witch-hunts, investigations, and courts martial against Americans who volunteered to serve their country (and die for it, if necessary).  We the People protested for and against DADT.  Sadly, the Westboro Baptist Church even stood outside of military funerals with placards screaming, "God Hates Fags".  This is what DADT has done to America.
 
At the same time, I watched active duty troops leave the closet to challenge DADT.  Talk about bravery in the face of adversity and danger.  I wasn't brave enough to come out in uniform.  I played by the rules and hoped the policy would fall.  I gave money to groups fighting the ban.  I contributed my experiences to those studying the ban.  I wrote essays from inside the military closet to share what it's like serving silently (hoping to change a few hearts and minds).  Ultimately, I think I never came out in uniform because I wanted to prove to myself, my family, and friends that homosexuals could serve for a career with honor - even under the unfair conditions of DADT.
 
While in the military closet, I witnessed several gay witch-hunts.  An especially heinous witch-hunt was at Ramstein Air Base, Germany.    It happened after DADT was enacted, but it was pure textbook pre-DADT tactics.  In all, it smoked out at least 13 homosexuals - including a commander of an intelligence squadron.  I wasn't involved, but had one of those caught uttered my name, my career would have been finished.  For what?  To what end?  Did Uncle Sam really think he could rid the military of every homosexual in uniform?

What probably saved my military career while serving under DADT was Randy Shilts' amazing book, Conduct Unbecoming: Gays and Lesbians in the U.S. Military.  When published in 1993, I had only been in the military for a few years.  I hadn't come out to any friends or family, yet.  I really didn't know the risks or the history of how gays had been treated in the U.S. military.  Then I started reading Shilts' book.  It was frightening and disheartening to read about how gays and lesbians had been treated by their own countrymen.  But, as I digested the book's lessons, I learned how to beat the military at its own game.  To this day, anytime I meet someone gay in the military, I always recommend the book.  It gave me the power to protect myself from Uncle Sam.  What a sad thing to have to learn while serving in uniform.

Thankfully, I had a career without investigations or allegations.  However, that doesn't mean I made it through completely unscathed.  I've had bouts of mental illness due to a compartmentalized life.  Think of it this way, imagine never talking about your personal life at work...ever.  Or if you do talk, it's vague or an outright lie; now do that for 20 plus years.  At around age 35, the questions start about never being married or having kids (like what parents do, but worse).  Then, coworkers wonder why they never see or hear about a girlfriend.  As retirement approaches, a knot builds in your stomach about being 'discovered'.  All this bleeds into your mental health; there is a price to pay for silence.  I was treated both on and off base while maintaining patiently confidentiality (I had incredibly sympathetic mental health professionals).  Without the gory details, I got lucky.  I made it through to the other end career in tact with a partner who loves me and friends and family who helped pulled me through.  But, I'm not retiring without scars; no one serves under DADT without scars.

Upon my retirement, DADT will still be the law of the land and I get to say, "I served a career in the closet.  I gutted it out."  Uncle Sam gives out plenty of medals and awards for military service.  Serving in silence under DADT doesn't get you any medals, but it's been the hardest thing I've done in my life (including service in Iraq).  I'm a little upset about the sacrifices I had to make because of DADT.  Believe me, there's enough sacrifice just to serve in the military.  Once I've retired and a few years have seasoned my memories, I'm sure I'll smile more about my time in the Air Force.  But I'd really like to know what it would have been like to serve openly - and ultimately, honestly. 

Looking forward, I'm anticipating joining my out and proud brothers and sisters to fight DADT with my big, loud mouth.  I will join gay vet groups, attend DADT protest rallies, and attest openly to my members of Congress that I'm a retired vet and served with honor as a gay American in uniform.  

The irony of DADT is that We the People ALLOW three little words, "I am gay", to weaken America.  We the People made this choice.  This wasn't the decision of one president, an activist judge, or a rogue general.  Our representatives in Washington made DADT a law, and We the People allow it to diminish our military, our values, and our country.  There are dozens of practical reasons to repeal DADT.  How about we consider the words of our founders?  Their words clearly demonstrate DADT goes against what makes America unique:  "All men are created equal" and "Liberty and justice for all".  Those words mean something don't they?  After all, American men and women - gay and straight - died for those words.

Postscript:  I'm in the planning stages of my retirement for later this year.  I will hold up my end of the DADT bargain and not forsake my military retirement.  It will, however, be my ceremony and I will have it my way.  My friends and family will be there, the love of my life will be there, and a close friend and lesbian will preside over the ceremony.   Unfortunately, colleagues who do not know me well will not be invited.  They'll have to remain ignorant of what's going on in the lives of gay servicemembers.  It's unfortunate, in my opinion.  As is a career in the military closet.


The United States Air Force Has Three Core Values: 
Integrity First
Service Before Self
Excellence in All We Do 
"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" violates the First Core Value, Takes Advantage of the Second, and Compromises the Third.

1 comment:

Dylan Knapp said...

You truly embody Service Before Self.